All Mexican food ever did to you was satisfy and delight you, with its delicious meats, crunchy vegetables, flavor-packed sauces, multitasking tortillas and all manner of cheese, sour cream, cilantro and lime, ensuring that no moment of your experience is bland. So why are we being such unabashed jerks to a cuisine that never did us wrong? Share our outrage over this week’s crimes against Mexican food, then hold your burrito close and whisper lovingly that you’ll never hurt it.
Taco Bell Forces Fried Chicken Into Taco Shape
Taco Bell’s Naked Crispy Chicken Taco, tested in select markets over the last year and gearing up to launch nationwide, is so much more than your run-of-the-mill pantsless fast-food binge. See, the “naked” doesn’t refer to you (unless it does, which is fine) but to the absence of a taco shell. This latest play on KFC’s world-renowned Double Down swaps out the hard shell for a chicken cutlet. Why? Cause a deep-fried tortilla is no match for a deep-fried chicken circle, and that’s just science talking. What wild creation will come out of Taco Bell’s Innovations Lab next?
Burrito Fever: Rock Out With Your Guac Out
Disclaimer: NSFW unless you work at a food website. Instagrammer Charlie Q sure is happy to see you…wait, no — that’s a burrito! How one maintains any semblance of rockin’ bod while consuming burritos daily is a welcome mystery to us. Now, some of these shots are a little less appropriate than others, depending on how you feel about sex play with an overstuffed tortilla (judgment-free zone), so peruse with caution and maybe go with pasta for dinner tonight. Definitely beats PETA’s lettuce bras, though.
When he’s not eating off-menu taco bowls on Cinco de Mayo, Republican
presidential candidate and noted nacho cheese descendant Donald Trump poses for portraits by artists like Nathan Wyburn. Okay, maybe he doesn’t pose, but he doesn’t have to. Going off one of the Donald’s many documented angry faces — though as some have pointed out, this could also portray an expression of joyfulness at the expense of another — Wyburn re-created his likeness using Old El Paso salsa in a squeeze bottle, flour tortillas and chips. And since those things aren’t exactly our idea of Mexican food, we’re going to go ahead and label this a crime against American food as well.
Un Burrito Con Mucho Hielo, Por Favor
If you’re going to smuggle meth, why not form it into an elongated shape and wrap it in a tortilla? Oh, you don’t want dogs at the border to sniff it out immediately? You should probably find another way. Your fantasy of a customs officer chuckling “Oh, Sparky, your love for carne asada truly knows no bounds — please, miss, welcome to the U.S. and enjoy your lunch” is a little optimistic.