It's The Food Cup: German Vs. American Cuisine
This afternoon's enormous World Cup match between Germany and the States has more compelling wrinkles than Danny Trejo's face. It starts with the high stakes — win or draw against terrifying Die Mannschaft, and us Yanks punch our ticket to the round of 16. (It could still happen if we lose, but let's not pretend like there's an easy way to explain how that whole thing works.) U.S. coach and certified baker Jürgen Klinsmann will be facing off against his home country, as well as the team that's seen his services as a (Cup-hoisting) player and a manager. A handful of players on the American side are actually German citizens. Current Germany coach Jogi Löw is Klinsmann's good friend and former protégé, and everyone keeps trying to get them to fight each other because their tremendous class and maturity is not that interesting. (Fiiiiighttttt!)
Lost in all this talk of national pride, cultural identity and who the hell is going to stop bloody badass Thomas Müller is a much more combative question — which country's got the better food? Here, we've pit five familiar German dishes against their American counterparts with the goal of determining which cuisine reigns supreme. It may not determine the final standings of Group G, but who cares about soccer when a victory this vital is there for the taking? Hand your boss your form letter and read on.
Hot dogs vs. Bratwurst
This matchup, of course, is a little patricide-y, as the American hot dog as we know it is a direct descendant of the frankfurters German immigrants brought over with them from the old country, enduring their fair share of xenophobic postcards in the process. It's tough. The intoxicating snap of a natural casing and toppings adaptability of the wiener earn major points for the Americans, while the the porky juiciness and immense dad-joke value of the brat ("wurst? how about best! get it?") translates to palpable appeal. Gonna have to deal one to Deutschland here, if only for OG status alone.
EDGE: Bratwurst
Cole Slaw vs. Sauerkraut
Tough scrap here in the highly competitive cabbage bracket. Slaw, while not exclusively American in origin, has come to be closely associated with our side-dish culture — we love anything doused in mayonnaise, usually, but vinegar-tossed slaws get their daps, too. Ze kraut, meanwhile, is a comforting, highly versatile paean to the power of fermentation. Sorry, but the German's gotta take this round, too. Anybody got a kraut fritter for me?
EDGE: Sauerkraut
Macaroni and cheese vs. Käsespätzle
It's heating up now, and there's gooey melted queso everywhere. The Mighty Mac is in no need of fancy intros — it's a quintessentially American dish, whether it comes from a blue box, BBQ pit or church cookout chafing dish. Spätzle, in Austria and Germany, is just as ubiquitous, but less uniform — many home cooks opt for homemade dough over storebought, which can't really be said for mac. Emmenthaler is far superior than powdered cheese packs. But have you ever encountered spätzle that's comes in the shape of Ninja Turtles? Nah son. The winner here is clear.
EDGE: Macaroni and cheese
French fries vs. Kartoffelpuffer
Tough stuff here in the all-important starch category. No one in America can stop eating fries, ever, the fact that they're the leading subject of dinner-order consternation lending credence to their frightening power over us. (An an aside: Why'd you switch to hand-cut, Shake Shack? Thought we were friends...) Kartoffelpuffer, or oil-fried potato pancakes, are equally beloved throughout Austria and Germany, accompanying every dish imaginable. Let's go stars and bars by way of gay Paris right here, kids. Kartoffelpuffer sounds like Christoph Waltz's favorite Pokemon. EDGE: French fries
Burger vs. Döner Kebab
OK, this isn't a one-to-one faceoff, as Germanic-in-etymology hamburgers aren't considered a street food exclusively, while Turkish-in-origin Döner, roasted on vertical shawarma spits, traditionally is. But they're both insanely popular, they both involve tender, well-seasoned meat on bread and they're both regularly consumed by the intoxicated. Let's talk this out. There may be more bad burgers out there than bad Döner. Burgers, though, are much more amenable to diverse toppings than that thin-sliced kebab meat is. But that means there's more ease to the Döner ordering experience, and less ennui over how it's prepared...always a boon when drunk. Oh no. Can it be?
EDGE: Doner Kebab
You win this time, Germany. But I believe that we will win today.