Comedian John Hodgman is one of pop culture’s most mishievous minds. He pens an über-brief column for The New York Times Magazine’s “One-Page Magazine” page where he acts as a judge, issuing frank and random decisions to help settle silly arguments. He delves much deeper on his podcast, which appears on the Maximum Fun website. The latest episode, “To The Victor Goes The Spoiled,” features plaintiff Natalie taking on her husband and defendant Hugo, who stands accused of trying to rescue a cheese danish by scraping off a week’s worth of mold. She says it’s disgusting and unacceptable, he claims that “cheese is a mold and we eat it all the time.”

Presumably because Hodgman is not a food expert himself, he brings in “expert witness” Alton Brown to hear the couple’s case — to humorous effect. During the podcast, Brown gets in most of the best lines, calling Hugo a “highly functioning sociopath,” for example. The Florida couple seems to have some real problems, mainly owing to Hugo’s lax self-discipline when it comes to food safety and cleanliness. He admits that he uses his dog’s excrement to help fertilize mango and avocado trees in the couple’s yard, leading Brown to lash out, “Answer me you turd eater!”

Check out the whole Judge John Hodgman podcast right here: