Don’t freak out, but there’s been a robbery. Millions of dollars worth of syrup has been stolen from a warehouse controlled by the Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers (FQMSP), the organization responsible for the global strategic maple syrup reserve. That means that if there were a worldwide syrup crisis right now, THE WORLD WOULD HAVE NO SYRUP RESERVES. We know. It’s terrifying. Quebec is responsible for roughly three quarters of the global maple syrup supply, so clearly the thief (or thieves) knew where to strike.
Producers won’t feel the loss in their bottom lines thanks to some serious syrup insurance, but with a glut of syrup entering the marketplace, syrup prices could take a major dive. That’s bad news for the syrup sellers but great news for pancake lovers everywhere. FQMSP won’t divulge exactly how much syrup was stolen, but a Toronto Globe & Mail report says that out of the $30 million stockpile, an undisclosed large amount was taken and the value is in the millions.
The real question is: how do you steal a large volume of syrup? Physically transporting that much liquid is sure to be noticed, right? If it were honey, the suspect would clearly be Winnie the Pooh. But it’s maple syrup, so we can rule out effeminate bears. Here are 5 prime suspects:
- Mrs. Butterworth and Aunt Jemima
They’re not maple and they know it. Jealousy leads people to do bad things, and these women could have teamed up for the dastardly deed.
- Quebecois children
Kids always want more syrup and with their diminutive size, they have a better chance to sneak into the factory and syphon out the sweet stuff without anybody noticing.
- Jacques Couture of the Vermont Maple Foundation
The plot thickens if this is an international crime. With Quebec holding down such a large global market share, syrup producers in Vermont stand to gain the most from a syrup disappearance of this magnitude. Also, have you ever heard a better syrup villain name than Jacques Couture?
- Maple Trees
They could definitely be mad that we’re tapping their sap.
- The Federation of Quebec Maple Syrup Producers
First rule of all heists: never rule out the possibility of an inside job. Money is a powerful motive and there’s always the chance that somebody got greedy. Or accidentally made an extra 500,000 waffles.
Until this case is solved, cherish the syrup that you still have and stockpile as much as you can. This could be a long, syrup-less Fall.