Corrupt Holiday Buying Guide Part 2

Dec 20, 2011 2:01 pm

The Imbiber is back with more corrupt gifts

Mondavi
Photo: USERNAME on Flickr
If Ted Allen likes an $11 bottle of wine you'll love it.
 

If you missed Part 1 of my list of boozy holiday gift suggestions, you can click here to check it out. Or you can just skip it and keep going. Or log onto your favorite porn site and have yourself a merry Yuletide wank instead. Whatever. I’m on vacation for the remainder of this year and, frankly, I’m not sweating it regardless.

Here’s the rest of the list… happy hooching!

Act Rich, You Poor Bastard
Robert Mondavi Private Selection certainly sounds like the sort of super-expensive stuff evil one-percenters sip from crystal chalices inside their ivory towers, where they’re devising new and ever-more-insidious ways to screw the rest of us over. Ah, but in actuality, at only $11 a bottle, the Private Reserve is one of the more affordable lines bearing the name of California wine country’s most famous son. And it’s really good wine, too. How good? Well, click here to listen to my interview with Ted Allen, host of the Food Network hit “Chopped,” who extols the virtues of this delicious vino.

Patch Things Up Between Your Booze and Your Body
When you drink alcohol, you sap your body’s reserve of B-1 and other vital nutrients… and you’re usually too drunk to care! Until the next day. The next day is when your body gets payback. And let’s face it, that brand of payback’s particularly pernicious.

I’ve previously offered tips for surviving hangovers in this space, now here’s one of the more effective ways I’ve found to stop them from happening in the first place: Bytox is a patch, much like the ones smokers wear to try and quit. Only instead of helping you to kick a nasty habit that leads to lung cancer and emphysema, the Bytox patch simply keeps you from getting a headache when you drink too much. How awesome is that, right? Pretty sure it won’t help with complications related to cirrhosis of the liver but, hey, you can’t have everything. If you did, where would you put it?

Plug in and Puff Away
While there’s no doubt smoking cigarettes is very bad for your health, there’s also no denying that smoking makes you look cool. If only there were a way to get the image-enhancing benefits of a nicotine habit without all the shit that kills you, right? Well, guess what – there is! South Beach Smoke electronic cigarettes contain none of the unhealthy components found in traditional cigarettes – stuff like carbon monoxide, carcinogens, tar, ash or tobacco – yet taste just like the real thing. Yum! And they’re fucking electronic, for chrissakes! How’s that for a conversation starter. Let’s hope this is the start of something big, and that next year I’ll be telling you about nuclear-powered bongs.

Try the Purus-ed Vodka Going
My friend and fellow alcohol analyst Larry Olmsted at Forbes has long been a self-professed vodka hater. I mean, he loathed the stuff like a geliophobe hates comedy clubs (for a good laugh, look it up … unless you’re a geliophibe, in which case DON’T!) Ah, but then Larry tried Purus, a five-times distilled organic wheat vodka that moved him so, he boldly proclaimed it to be the very best vodka he ever tasted. On his surprising recommendation I picked up a bottle and, lo and behold, Larry Olmsted’s right – Purus is one helluva bottle of hooch.


Read the previous installment of The Imbiber on Food Republic.


Dan Dunn’s book Living Loaded: Tales of Sex, Salvation and the Pursuit of the Never-Ending Happy Hour is available wherever books are sold. Follow Dan on Twitter and Facebook, and hear him on The Imbiber Show podcast.

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